Intimacy is one of the most powerful ways a married couple can bond and nurture their connection. It’s a gift from God, meant to deepen emotional, physical, and spiritual unity between a husband and wife. However, when intimacy is used as a bargaining tool or a form of control, it becomes manipulative and destructive. This behavior, often referred to as “weaponizing intimacy,” creates resentment and tears at the fabric of a marriage. In a Christian marriage, intimacy should reflect the unconditional, sacrificial love that Christ has for His church.
Here are seven ways to avoid falling into the trap of weaponizing intimacy and to cultivate a healthier, more Christ-centered approach to this vital part of your marriage:
- Check your heart
It’s essential to examine your motives when it comes to intimacy. Are you withholding it to get your way or to punish your spouse? Or are you using it to gain favor or manipulate an outcome? The Bible teaches that “love does not demand its own way” (1 Corinthians 13:5, NLT). True love is about giving, not taking. When intimacy becomes a tool for control, it’s no longer rooted in love, but in selfishness. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any unhealthy motives you may have and guide you toward a heart of selflessness in your relationship. - Communicate openly
If you’re upset or hurt, instead of using intimacy as leverage, engage in open and honest communication. Healthy marriages are built on trust and transparency, not silence and manipulation. If there’s conflict, talk through the issues. Holding back affection as a way to punish your spouse only creates more tension and emotional distance. Seek to resolve your issues through conversation, prayer, and understanding, rather than using intimacy to assert power. - Seek reconciliation, not control
Marriage isn’t about one person controlling the other; it’s about unity and reconciliation. When conflict arises, focus on finding resolution rather than asserting dominance. Use intimacy as a means to reconnect emotionally and spiritually, not as a way to gain the upper hand. Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” A heart of forgiveness fosters closeness, while a desire for control builds walls. - Be aware of emotional needs
Intimacy in marriage isn’t just a physical act; it meets deep emotional needs. Withholding it can cause serious emotional harm and push your spouse further away, creating a cycle of hurt and misunderstanding. Instead, view intimacy as a way to love and serve your spouse by meeting their needs. Scripture calls us to serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13), and that includes emotional and physical needs. Don’t let unresolved emotions turn intimacy into a battlefield—seek healing and understanding instead. - Cultivate emotional closeness
Physical intimacy thrives in a marriage where emotional intimacy is also nurtured. Couples who feel emotionally connected are more likely to experience a satisfying and fulfilling physical relationship. Be intentional about cultivating emotional closeness through regular, meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and vulnerability. The more you invest in emotional intimacy, the less likely you are to use physical intimacy as a means of control. Focus on building trust and connection outside the bedroom, and the benefits will flow naturally into the physical aspect of your relationship. - Pray together
There’s incredible power in praying together as a couple. Prayer invites God into the center of your relationship, aligning your hearts and intentions with His will. When you pray together, you remind yourselves that your marriage is ultimately under God’s authority. This helps you see intimacy not as a weapon but as a beautiful expression of love within the covenant of marriage. Ask God for wisdom, humility, and grace to love your spouse in a way that honors Him, especially in moments of conflict. If you and your spouse would like to start praying together, download our free guide and get started by avoiding the typical struggles of praying with your spouse. Just click here. - Forgive often
Weaponizing intimacy is often a symptom of unresolved hurt or unmet expectations. Instead of holding onto bitterness, choose forgiveness. Intimacy should never be withheld as punishment for past mistakes or to manipulate future behavior. Forgiveness, modeled after Christ’s forgiveness of us, is vital for a healthy marriage. Colossians 3:13 tells us, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” When forgiveness flows freely in your marriage, intimacy will naturally follow, bringing healing and unity.
Weaponizing intimacy damages the trust and emotional safety within a marriage. Instead of allowing this dynamic to creep into your relationship, choose to serve one another in love. By focusing on selfless love, open communication, and forgiveness, you can build a marriage that reflects the heart of Christ and honors the sacredness of intimacy.
Your marriage is meant to be a reflection of the covenant relationship between Christ and His church—filled with grace, love, and sacrifice. Don’t let manipulation or control rob you of the joy and connection that intimacy can bring. Seek God’s guidance in fostering a relationship where intimacy is freely given and received as a beautiful gift from Him.